What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 07:34
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
When she asked me how she looked .
My family never makes their pension either.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
What did i know ?
Why cant I motivate myself to go to school (grade 10)?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Was to survive, this bastard.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Do women like men who have slept with many women?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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I waited trembling.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
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He resisted the act ,that day.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Are evolutionists giving evolution a bad name by claiming humans started off as shrews?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
(And it was in our own minds.)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Who was the guy that had sex with the AIDS monkey?
My life is so biszare .
But, we were locked up after school.
I will be 64.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I think the readers, may guess!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Why did we evolve to have so many nerve endings in our anuses?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We all went to grammer schools
What is the difference between anxiety and depressive neurosis?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
It was going to be , some day.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was seconnd youngest,
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Who then, do I blame.?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As i do to all so called friends.?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Ive learnt so much.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Comes on , in middle age.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I have no regrets .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But ive been too sick for many years..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She wouldn,t have been !
I don,t even have a pension.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was 9 years of age.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Would this be the day?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I never cut or harmed myself..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She married twice! .
One cannot live in the past .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
This is soul school!.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She found it foreign!.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Especially a lifetime of it.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
So whats the point in blame.
I was very sick at this time too.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I write beautiful poetry .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Why did i forgive my father ?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He knew the spot.
And i lived it daily.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I said to her
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
So, i spoilt her more .
Put me off passion for life!!
I was scared of men, in general
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We were not on the streets..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im still living with it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She was in good health!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But it wasn’t much.
All the time i was locked up.
She loved him until the end.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
They are buried together, in the same grave..